My Livejournal was recently used against me -- partly as a result of my own stupidity, my inability to properly gauge the effects of my actions and choose who I confide in, and partly as a result of friendship alliances.
I am not well-balanced. I have a lot of thoughts that I wish simply exist, and -- while part of me is convinced that such everyday unpleasantries are necessary for me to do what it is that I do with the English language -- I'm trying to ensure that they don't. A large part of my life can be described as a scab that just yearns to be plucked off. My only means of coping, thus far, is my writing.
I've been keeping a diary ever since the age of nine, and have flirted with the act of "blogging" since the age of eleven. I like the idea of being able to strip myself completely; ironically, I can only do this when I'm hidden behind the radiating wall of my laptop screen. Not too long ago, a former friend (both on Livejournal and [x_x, really?] IRL) showed my entire Livejournal to someone who certainly had no right to read it. The two of them seemed to seriously believe that I'd endanger the life of another -- that I had honestly crossed the borderline between eccentricity and madness. I was accused of stalking.
It was something I'd found, to a certain extent, hilarious. All of my IRL Livejournal friends know for a fact that I'm barely five-foot, that I weigh eighty pounds, and that I'm about as capable of inflicting bodily harm as swine flu is; I could probably take out an old person or a baby, but the rest is just media hype. Part of me was offended by the notion that what I do could be considered "stalking," because legitimate stalking -- which I've experienced on multiple occasions -- is actually frightening. The idea of someone exposing themselves repeatedly to something they absolutely despise is far less threatening, in my opinion, than receiving numerous phone calls in a single day and having to worry each time you step outside of your school that you'll be greeted by a man four times your age.
The most sickening aspect of it, though, was how absolutely violated I'd felt. My Livejournal is friends-only for a reason. I admit to having made a mistake in deciding which "friends" of mine fit the bill, but shouldn't such a private space be respected? When I'm on Livejournal, I feel as though I've been given an opportunity to shed a layer of skin that serves no other purpose than to give me something to scratch at. I feel raw, naked -- I feel like the people who read me do so because they know that if they poke me, I'll wince.
I've been poked at. And I winced.
This is all just my way of saying that I'm taking a Livejournal hiatus. I'm absolutely petrified of the idea of severing ties with someone who reads my Livejournal again, and going through the ordeal again. Perhaps, in due time, I'll regain the trust of others; I'll probably have become so emotionally strong by then that I won't be writing all these damn things that get me in so much trouble anymore. Until then, my Livejournal will be no more than a tool for me to keep in touch with friends from far away, communities, etc. I've lately been keeping a paper journal again; the only difference is that it's also become a scrapbook. Every once in a while, I think I'll post a few pages that stand out -- of course, they'll be scrapbook pages, and not entries -- on here and on the group jr__nal.
I'm looking forward to tomorrow. I'm getting my first tattoo, seeing one of my favorite bands live, etc. I got a job, finally. My life has improved considerably. I've got a lot of work to do (it is, after all, considered abnormal to be physically paralyzed by fear, such that you can't even get up to use the restroom without having some kind of anxiety), but it's been worth doing lately. If anyone decides to come to the Wisconsin Film Festival, I'm working on -- in one way or another -- three films that're being submitted. Two of them, I've written. I'm directing one and assistant directing the other. For the third, I'm co-writing, composing music, and have a bit role as some kind of stoner-musician; needless to say, I personally know the guy who conceptualized the film.
My public writing can be found on valuelesscollection.com. I anticipate that the posts that will fill the blog for the remainder of the year will consist mostly of film updates and random life updates.
I guess I'll be on again when I can learn to trust people again.
- Mood:Paddy's Egg